Desmond Squire: Ladies' Man (ex_nosebleed337) wrote in straighttovideo,
Desmond Squire: Ladies' Man
ex_nosebleed337
straighttovideo

longshot

i've sat down to write about this movie several times this week, but each time i had to stop, move away from the computer, and turn my thoughts to something else, anything else. sharing my longshot experience with the world was just far too big a task to take on. until now.

okay, so this piece of shit was brought to us by the jabba-esque louis pearlman, you know, the evil creator of the back street boys, and o-town. that alone makes this movie a tool of the devil, something that is sure to cast a dark shadow over humanity. i think this movie was supposed to play in theaters, but no one ever picked it up, so pearlman released it straight to video, and put out a soundtrack full of upbeat pop tunes cranked out by a team writers he keeps imprisoned in a dungeon somewhere, and preformed by the wind up droids in such boy "bands" as lfo, and c-note, whoever they are.

i guess the main draw of the film is supposed to be the fact that it is jammed packed with second rate cameos (ranging from the members of nsync, to art garfunkel), the most exciting of which is a 2 minute appearance by pop princess britney spears. she was the high light of the movie. hands down. the best part about her performance is that she seems like she doesn't want to be there at all, like she's bored out of her mind and on the verge of falling asleep.

i could go on about the cameos (at least the ones where i actually knew who the people were) all day, but i won't waste anymore time on that. on to the "cast"...

hunter tylo, paul sorvino, antonio sabato jr., gilbert gottfried (scared yet?), topanga from boy meets world and brad from home improvement are the actors you'll probably recognized, but they aren't the stars. tony decamillis and joey sculthorpe star. those names might not ring a bell. that's because they've never acted before, for obvious reasons. at first you think the movie is about a teenage basketball player (sculthorpe), mostly because it is made to look like a teen film, and the first 15 minutes of the movie focus on him. but all of the sudden, his older brother has a voice over monologue. it's confusing, but not nearly as confusing as what takes place during his first (of many, unfortunately) monologue. he's driving around, making some lame comment about how he felt like he was stuck in a teen movie with a bunch of cameos (which makes no sense as he hasn't been involved with any of the teen stuff), when these guys try to hijack his car, a big lame chase scene breaks out, and his little convertible is blown to pieces (sadly, after he has been removed). he is kidnapped by mobsters, flown to the bosses mansion, and blackmailed into helping them out. (apparently he slept with the main mobster's slut wife). if he doesn't help them, he is threatened with a little game of baseball, which involves him being tied to a chair while a pitching machine hurls baseballs at him. i would have rather seen fingers cut off, like in bound, but that's the kind of thing you see in real movies, not this shit, and i guess mr. pearlman wasn't down with that. plus, i think he really wanted to see men strapped to chairs, being beaten by balls. lots of ball. big balls. but i digress.)

the plot, if you can call it that, crumbles from there. oakley and i watched it together. we were sucked in by the wretchedness of it all. let me just say this, the movie starts out with the o-town fuckers watching some infomercial (starring 2 of them in disguise) for the movie itself. you can tell there was no script for this little intro, and it seems to go on forever. near the end of the movie, they appear again, talking about how good the movie was, wondering why they didn't get to make a cameo (i don't think their little group existed when it was originally shot). that seems to indicate that the movie is over, right? wrong! it keeps going. apparently we are privy to footage the o-town boys weren't allowed to see. basically, the movie ends with everyone hanging out in a bar/nightclub with chippendales dancers. (it was a dream of antonio sabato jr's characters to open an "upscale nightclub" with male strippers. after he says this, he is shown groping and being groped by trashy women in bikinis, i'm guessing to erase any questions that might arise about his sexuality.)

bottom line, this is the most incoherent piece of shit i have ever seen. it was amazing how bad it was. i don't know if i'd say it was funny, it was more of a laugh or cry kind of thing. it has been the topic of much discussion around our house, most of which consists of, "god that movie sucked nuts!" and "can you believe how fucking awful that was?"

we've been wondering who penned such an abortion of a movie, and were very unsurprised to discover that pearlman and decamillis were the screen writers (although we would've guessed it was written by a 5th grader with a.d.d.). my theory is that decamillis is pearlman's boy toy, and can't sing, so pearlman thought they'd make a movie to sky rocket him into stardom. nice try.

i've left a lot out. my comments are too numerous to include them all. they've been playing longshot on the family channel, and i'm sure it will be on again in the near future. if you want to see something truly terrifying, check it out. until then, if you're feeling brave, pop on over to longshotthemovie.comand take a peek at the horror, but be warned, when i say horror, i mean horror.
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